Who's in charge?

Forget knife crime, sort this lot out first.

I don't rule the world, clearly, if I did you would have heard about it (unless you read The Sun or The Star where you would have been lucky to see it amidst the lighter notes, possibly in the page 3 girl's thought of the day). But if I did, I would ring the changes. I'm an angry man no doubt, but I can't be alone in thinking there is so much wrong in this society in which we live. I am not talking about your Afghanistan's or the economic climate which are clearly 'a bit out of hand', I'm talking about the everyday crimes against humanity, the stuff we have to put up with on a daily basis, repeatedly, constantly, that no one is doing anything about, Gordon.

Commence rant. Like advertising for example, I understand the need for it, I have even made a living in the past selling it (note for all those whining about how Facebook is being ruined by advertising, are you willing to pay a subscription to use it? No, didn't think so, so shut up, ignore the adverts like the rest of us, appreciate that the guys running it need to make a living and just get on with your day 'poking' your 'friends' during the hours of the day that someone is paying you to 'work'. Oh and that's another thing, those people that complain that their employers have banned Facebook during work hours. What's your argument, if you weren't using it at work it doesn't affect you and if you were using it at work then you have just proved your employers point - think about it, you haven't got a leg to stand on Heather, idiot).

Where was I, oh yes advertising. Come on people put some effort in. DFS, I don't need a bloody sofa, I live in rented accommodation which is furnished, so theres no point repeatedly abusing my senses telling me that you have a 50% sale on. Yes my place could do with tarting up and those sofas that have three seprate recliners look just delightful, but I will be buggered if it's coming out of my pocket, tell my landlord about it. And who books these adverts? If I am watching MTV2 then chances are that I am male and aged somewhere between 15 and 30 so why try and promote stair lifts to me, eh? I'm lazy, but I'm in no mood to spend what's left of my limited funds (thank you credit crunch - Gordon) on pimping up my stairs banister and as far as I'm aware the nanny state has not yet made it mandatory that private residential homes should be disability friendly.

Music adverts are some of the biggest offenders. How many times have I heard the voice over on the advert telling me that 'this is one of the most important albums of the year'. Important, give it a rest, what makes it so important? Do the lyrics contain the cure for cancer? If you play track 5 at full volume does it end race hate? No, I didn't think so, get some perspective. Why can't they be a bit more honest, have the voice over say something like 'very catchy and all the words rhyme which is pretty neat'. Or 'a really popular album which if played out loud in public will make people think you have good taste in music'.

This kind of honesty could help the perfume/eu de toilet industry no end. Rather than having some beautiful man or woman filmed in black and white high on top of a building near a clock tower running all over the place even though no one is chasing them, whilst some french bloke spouts out confusing adjectives, why not just show an image of the bottle while your man on the street says something like 'It smells nice which girls will like and the bottle comes in a really manly design too which will look pretty neat on your bedside table'? Makes more sense doesn't it, I'm open to offers if anyone looking for an advertising guru.

And what about those perfumes 'made' by celebrities? I don't know who I hate more the celebrities fronting them, or the idiots that buy the stuff? What is your mindset when you buy a celebrity endorsed perfume? I bet you there are loads of people (mostly women) that buy it without even smelling it, or even worse who having smelt it and found it offensive to their nostrils still go on to spend their hard earned/stolen cash on it. Are these people thinking, well Jennifer Lopez is a millionaire, is a film and music star and is going out with Ben Affleck (I know they have split up now, stop nit picking) so maybe if I use her perfume the same will happen for me. No it won't love, save your £20 and get back to work, they need you to cover a lunch break on checkout five. As for people who bought Jade Goody's perfume.....

Why do we call it 'Eu de toilet' anyway? What's the matter did we run out of English words and have to start nicking lingo from the French? Or is this Britain's international olive branch, our way of saying we can't be arsed to learn your language even when we are holidaying in your country, but what we will do is bung a few French words into the English vocabulary to give you a helping hand on becoming fluent in English. Come on now Gordon, keep strong, we have given back the empire the least we ask in return is that the world speaks our language. I mean, it can't be too hard if the Americans can grasp it.

It's not just the adoption of foreign words that gets my goat, terminology in general is all a bit misguided. Music again is a culprit here, lets start with the term 'pop' music. Now you might think that makes sense, because you want to have a pop at the cretins that are responsible for raping your ears, but that's not the intended meaning of 'pop'. 'Pop' is in fact short for 'popular'. Popular. Come on now, who's in charge of this? You can't have a genre or classify a music vertical as 'popular', that could refer to anything you lazy beggars. By that definition, anything that gets to number one in the charts these days is making 'pop' music, regardless of if you are Steps, King of Leon or 50 Cent. Linkin Park get to number one all the time, but ask them what type of music they make and amidst a shouty intro and rap chorus they will tell you that their particular brand of music is 'alternative'. Alternative to what, popular music I would imagine and therein lies the problem. Sell too many records and all of a sudden you are making pop songs, but don't sell enough records and you have to supplement your 'alternative' rock career with a day job as a bank clerk, not very rock and roll is it Chester, sell out.

And try telling some spotty 15 year old Emo kid that he is listening to pop music, perhaps your comments could be the catalyst for their final and fatal last act of self harming. God I hate Emos, if only there was some way of tricking them into an all or nothing fight to the death with Chavs, kill two birds with one stone. Imagine it, the Chavs with their knives and the Emos with their razor blades, what a spectacle it would be. Of course knives are more deadly, they have longer reach for starters, but the Emos are used to being cut so it would be a pretty even fight. William Hill would make a killing on taking bets, the population crisis would be eased and unemployment figures with it, I can't see a downside so pull your finger out and make it happen, Gordon.

The alternative would to round up the crowd from the next 'Funeral for a Friend' concert and ship them off to the army. Think about it, Emos would make a seamless transition into the army, especially as most soldiers are now situated in Muslim countries. Lets examine our bog standard Emo, they like to cover up their body (preferrably in black clothing), they are all Vegans so pork is off the menu and they are used to loud noises and explosions having spent years moshing next to the loud speaker at Slip Knot gigs. The image of Western society in Afghanistan and Iraq would be improved no end if our representatives were predominantly of the Emo persuasion and the only compromise would be that the sales for black finger nail paint in the UK would plummet. But fear not make up companies theres always the export market (which has apparently also been hit by the credit crunch, thanks Gordon) and by opening trade with Afghanistan and Iraq to export black finger nail paint international relations could be helped no end. Problem solved, put me in power now.