Sounds Impressive.

I'd Guava use Papaya...

If I was to ask you what is Bifidus ActiRegularis, would you know? No of course you wouldn't, you wouldn't have a clue, no one would. And yet if I was to give you the choice of two generic brand yoghurt's of the same flavour and then added that one contained Bifidus ActiRegularis, without a moments hesitation you would opt for the one with Bifidus ActiRegularis.

And why do we act this way, the reasons my friends is simply because it sounds fancy. It sounds bloody impressive and as ridiculous as it sounds people don't like to admit that they have no idea what Bifidus ActiRegularis is in case they sound stupid, as if you would become the point of ridicule for not knowing. So rather than take the very reasonable course of action of questioning it's merits further, you keep quiet and assume that it must be good for you.

The clever people at Danone cottoned onto this and launched a whole advertising campaign around their Activia range of yoghurt, they even stuck in the term 'digestive transit' for good measure, the shrewd swines. And the end result? The weak willed, easily convinced, sheep like fools like me went out and bought some. For all I know Bifidus ActiRegularis could be latin for knob rot, but subliminally I guess my mindset was that a company like Danone wouldn't have spent so much money on a national advertising campaign and 'celebrity' spokeswoman Nell McAndrew if it wasn't something revolutionary to the world of yogurt. As soon as she uttered the words 'stops you feeling so blurted after a big meal' in her dulcet northern tones I was convinced.

But what would of happened if I had delved deeper? What if I hadn't been concerned that drinking buddy Dave thought I was a 'plank' for not knowing my ancient greek for yogurt related terminology, what would I have found? According to the official website http://www.danoneactivia.co.uk/,

"Activia contains probiotics - live microorganisms which, when eaten live and in sufficient quantities, have a beneficial effect on our health – so it is classed as a probiotic product".

So to clarify, the yogurt contains little, living animals...ok not too sure about that, I don't even like to eat sushi in case it makes a late comeback, let alone something that is still alive. And actually thinking about it, if this yogurt helps with my 'digestive transit', surely that's just science talk for its going to make me poo more? Don't laxatives have the same effect and as far as I know doctors aren't advocating laxatives as the answer to fatties prayers. The more you think about it, the more it sounds less appealing, but it's too late now I have already bought the required quota from them, making their Activia range a massive success.

And it's not just yogurt that warrants additional consideration, shampoo companies have been peddling the same rubbish for years. Who cares that a conditioner contains guava extract. If I gave you a banana, would it ever cross your mind to start mashing it into your head the next time you took a shower. No of course it wouldn't, only the mentally deranged would think to do that, if anything you would need to spend a considerable amount of time washing the fruit OUT of your hair, so why should it be any different for papaya, or apricots 'extract'?

For the sake of argument, let's give these companies the benefit of the doubt and say that coconut was good for a glossy mane like finish, how the hell do they find this out? Can you imagine being the first guy to 'research' washing your hair with and avocado? Even if you found out that it was good for you how do you tell someone without them thinking you're an idiot? If someone told me that they had tried washing their hair with fruit, my first and very reasonable question would be to ask what had compelled them to do so? You would have to make something up, lie that you were out of shampoo and that the only thing you had in the house was an avocado multi pack. Even then you would have to manifest some sort of hair related emergency (should such a thing exist) that prompted you to entertain this bizarre act.

And its not just fruit that is allegedly good for your mullet. People would have you believe that a winning mixture of eggs, vinegar and mayonnaise will give your barnett the matt finish you have always wanted. Even if this was true, what would the point be? Sure you may look attractive from a distance, but as soon as people were close enough to realise you smelt like a fry up any initial interest would diminish pretty rapidly. Still credit to the marketing manager for thinking outside of the egg box, with sales dwindling because our nation refuse to eat anything outside of cheese and pork, they obviously realised that eggs needed to serve an additional purpose in society to ensure share prices remained buoyant, so why not spread some rumours that it works wonders as an alternative to L' Oreal. Slogans change from 'Eggs, fast food and good for you' to 'Eggs, vinegar and mayonaise, because your worth it'.

I understand the need to make a living, but why don't they try going for something that's more plausible? '5 a day' was always an ambitious sales target for fruit and veg companies to meet, but rather than trying to supplement takings through ridiculous measures like 'carrot cake' (as if your going to try and slip a vegetable into one of my dessert dishes) why not go for something more believable? Fruits generally smell nice, so why not try telling the credit crunch nation that rather than paying fifty quid a pop on eau de toilette, than an equally good measure would be to crush a punnet of strawberry's under each armpit? Hell you could even spin some nonsense that the strawberry absorbs through your pores and contributes to the consumption of your '5 a day'. Sales increase, government health targets get hit (sort of) and you never know, some people having filled their fruit bowl to the brim may actually take the extreme and more traditional measure of eating some of it.

Fruit eaten in large consumptions notoriously gives you the runs, therefore assisting no end with the 'digestive transit' meaning that you don't have to buy litres of yogurt in the first place...or do you?

Just as you think you have relinquished the grip of the yogurt barons, Danone, aware of the threat strike a deal with fruit companies to include fruit in the base of all their Activia yogurts. Capitalising on the fruit based addition, they then go aggressively after the shampoo market, as of course, obviously, yogurt makes hair softer. So in full yogurt will give you shiny soft hair, helps with the old digestive transit, smells nice and can be used to moisturise skin (why not), is there anything this miracle in a pot can't do? Danone, I'm back in, sorry for every doubting you.

Now if you will excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I need to go buy a tub of Bifidus ActiRegularis and see if applied correctly it can cure erectile dysfunction.