Credit Crunch - What a load of bankers.

Never a lender nor a borrower be...

The current economic climate eh? The old 'credit crunch' if you will (don't worry, no jokes here about it being the worst kind of cereal - although I did think about it). Now I'm not going to take a pop at the banks and their employees, if you want that sort of thing then buy a copy of The Guardian or The Daily Mail (if you can still afford to). But I will say one thing, it is all a bit silly really isn't it?

I may have never written a faeces on the infrastructure of our economy and I do not for one second claim to be an economic guru, far from it. But I do know that its a bad idea to continually loan money to people that don't have a great history of being able to pay it back. Lets look at it in common sense terms, you lend your mate Dave £20 in good faith and months later you are still dropping subtle hints (give me my F*&CK!NG money back you B$%TARD) to no avail. Eventually you reside yourself to never seeing the money again, your out of pocket, a trifle miffed and adamant that Dave will never see another penny of your, well not hard earned, but earned money.

Despite his £20 windfall Dave is a bit of a rascal, a card if you will, and sure enough in no time at all he has frittered it all away on fancy hats and jelatine and needs another loan of monetary funds to get him out of his man made financial pickle. Knowing that the odds against him milking any more money out of you are shorter than Pizza Hut successfully relaunching as Pasta Hut, he turns to his other mate Steve. Steve, despite swearing by the Pasta Hut linguine and owning Craig David - the best of on CD, is no fool. He confers with you prior to considering the transaction at which point you explain that Dave is somewhat unreliable on the 'giving money back' front (in real adult life banks call this a credit check). Steve absorbs this information and is appropriately wary, but Steve is a businessman you see so doesn't give up on the idea altogether. Instead, he agrees to lend Dave the money, only if he promises to not only be his best friend, but also pay it back at an increased sum of £30 (a £1o profit for the slower of you out there). Again, in the real world this is called interest rates.

Dave, he's a madman, before too long he's spent the £20 Steve gave him and is once again potless. Worried that Steve is a bit of a smack head and can turn at any time, he turns to Barry who lends him the £30 to give to Steve. Great, Steve is happy, but Barry that shrewd entrepreneur wants £40 back. Before long Steve has outstanding debts with Barry, Kev, Gav, Keith, Fred, Sam and Jonesy.

At his wits end, having been ostracized by the Croydon massive and not even able to show his face down Tiger Tiger on a Saturday night, Dave is desperate and turns to the one person he knows will still lend him money, Mr. Danny "Ocean" Finance. Danny has a bit of a reputation for taking either your knees, or your home (still, nice to have a choice) but offers to lend Dave the money he needs so that he can consolidate it all into 'one easy to pay monthly loan'. Desperate, Dave accepts and is now able to pay back all his mates, including you.

Relief, he's now able to meet up with the lads again down Tiger Tiger on a Saturday, but wait a minute no he can't, he can't afford to. In fact, backed into a financial corner Dave can't do any of the things he wants. He can't buy that top hat he had his eye on, upgrade to Sky plus, get a star named after his girlfriend Sheryl, or even order a Dominoes pizza (what no pasta choice!).

And it's not just Dave that is affected, Tiger Tiger's takings are down, Rupert Murdoch has to sell one belt whilst tightening his spare one and Dominoes have to shelve their plans to introduce a pasta range. And this ladies and gentle men is where we are today. Just think if only you (Lloyd, Barclays, HSBC, that Howard bloke from the Halifax ads) didn't loan Dave that £20 in the first place, he would have reeled himself in and learned to live more frugally on his income.

Still it's done now, so theres no point crying about it (you big baby). It's time for some good old fashioned British resolve, the kind shown during the Blitz. I myself am as much to blame and have suffered as much as anyone at the hands of the credit crunch (stupid karma) being both £4,ooo+ in debt (and no that doesn't include student loans, as far as I'm concerned thats my money) and having recently got laid off at work (the worst kind of laid). So how do you survive in a downturned economy. My advice is to look at the winners and losers at these times and try and associate, or attach a vice like grip to the winners, similar to trying to break in with the cool kids in high school.

Supermarkets are littered with winners and losers. Budget (gypo) stores like Morrissons and Lidl are the big winners taking a load of business from the ASDA's and Tesco's of this world. Sainsbury's is another winner, with former Marks & Spencer and Waitrose customers turning to them whilst treading that fine line between wanting cheaper goods, but not wanting to be seen by neighbour Lady Patricia Pennyfarthing trudging up the drive with ASDA shopping bags in hand.

Sex toys are another big winner, with sales going through roof . The spokespeople for these companies (I can hear their mothers now, 'why couldn't you have been a doctor') claiming it is because people are going out less, giving them more time in doors with their significant other. Now if that is true, it means that men have historically chosen pub quizzes, 5 a side football and unpaid overtime over a bit of the old sexual intercourse with the little lady (actually that all sounds quite reasonable). Be careful though, more sex means more mistakes, which means more kids, which don't come cheap (unless you adopt them from Africa, Madonna, talk about economising, I know you are a few quid down from the divorce but show some decorum).

Primark and Peacocks are other big winners, with noone willing to spend the big bucks in the Burtons and New Looks of this world budget clothing is now the in thing (take a step back and consider this, in days of yore you would have been teased to the point of self harming for buying cheapo clothing. All those bullys are now completely at a loss, wondering what you should tease people for now days? See everyone is affected by the current climate). My fears go out to the sweat shop workers, having to produce twice the stock to meet the new demands and with twice as many people looking to take their job due to all the job losses that were caused by the downturn in the first place. Talk about a no win situation, still out of sight out of mind.

So where does this leave us. Well for a while, inevitably, we are going to be stuck in our houses, forced to have increasingly bizarre sex with our now intermiably bored wives, only venturing outside of the homes from the necessity to buy Lidl's own tinned tomatoes and Primark irregular fit real denim (not real) jeans for a shilling six pence. But time will pass, we will pay off our debts (except for the student loans) and eventually we will have some disposable income to squander on what we please. Tiger Tiger will cotton onto this, will reopen the Croydon branch, Burton will set up a store next door to supply the collared shirts and loafers required to get in and before you know it the econmy will be thriving again. Dave however will still be a bit behind, but hell why not lend him £20 so he can join you on a night out, the past is the past, let bygones be bygones.