God created the world in seven days...what a cowboy.

Apparently God is Omnipotent, but being God he should be able to find a cure for that...

So God created the world in seven days eh? The only way that is feasible is if he built Poland first and got the Polish builders to muck in for the remaining days. Even then, seven days is a bit of a push, I mean Rome alone took more than a day to build so inevitably corners had to be cut.

Subsequently for every Sistene Chapel, Mona Lisa and Venice we have a Bluewater, a London Olympics logo and a Croydon. All in all planet earth is a bit like a B&Q kitchen, at first glance it looks great, but on closer inspection every things not quite as it should be.


Yes the big man created The Northern Lights, but he also created personalised mobile ring tones. If ye be faithful, then the genius that cooked up the 'crazy frog' was indeed the big cheese himself. What was wrong with 'ring ring', it did the job required? Now days if your phone goes 'ring ring' people think you are trying to be retro or ironic. You have to wear garments from Top Man just to pull off the overall look.

Why is it that people feel the need to express themselves through every facet of their being. Clothes I can accept as a form of expression, but a ring tone? Are these people thinking, 'if I have a hilarious ring tone, then people will in turn think I'm hilarious', no they won't they will think you're a twat. It's the modern day equivalent of the guy in the office who chose to demonstrate just how 'crazy' he was via an outlandish tie. Society is mocking you and you deserve it.

Perhaps the king of the ring tones is rap 'superstar' Akon with one of his biggest selling downloads being the appropriately titled 'Lonely'. Appropriate, as anyone who downloaded it deserves to be shunned and subsequently very bloody lonely for a long, long time. Almost as criminal a use of the mobile phone is text voting. I am of course talking about the type of vote systems commonly associated with 'prime time' Saturday night entertainment programming, the X Factors and Britain's got talents of this world.


The British public bleeding their bank accounts dry at £1 a pop so that fat bird Michelle McManus can claim her 'rightful' place as winner. Truly it was considered to be a victory for the morals of society... but was it really? On the crest of a media wave, people may have cared enough to vote for her and buy the first single, but pretty soon they stopped caring and stopped buying. Much like any realm in society, you can love a fat bird for a night, but not much more than that.

Perhaps even more worrying are the people who like all the contestants equally, so not wanting to see any of them lose, vote for them all? Were walking head first smack bang into a global recession and yet Jo public are squandering half their gyro just because they are torn between their love for pug faced Eoghan Quigg and boy bland JLS. It's scant consolation, but if God is Omnipotent then he has to sit through all of this, that's karma for you (apparently he was partial to the musical stylings of Bad Lashes but ran out of credit shortly after the quarter finals).


We all have bad days in the office, so mistakes can be forgiven and God advocates forgiveness (convenient that) so we can forgive him the odd X Factor and the occasional Frenchman, in fact it will probably be great bargaining power for all of us when arriving at the pearly gates. When having a chin wag with that Peter bloke, he will probably ask a few difficult questions before allowing entry, such as 'Could you not have afforded just three pounds a month for that charity?', or 'could you not have paid an extra twenty pence to get the fair trade bananas?', to which you can then retort, 'Fair enough, but let's get some perspective. What about that Hitler bloke, or even worse Kerry Katona? I mean bloody hell she won mother of the year. Twice!' Adopt that line of argument and there's no way you won't get in, in fact they will probably give you a twenty pound voucher to spend at HMV just to keep stum.

So maybe that's it, everything in life is intentially not perfect just so we can all feel ok the next time we tell a homeles couple kissing to 'get a room', or tell our neice that there is no Santa just because we are a bit strapped for cash around Xmas. If the big guy can drop a few clangers, then justifiably so can we. Ultimately no matter how terrible a human being I am, I will be able to sleep at night knowing that no matter what happens nothing I can do will be worse than giving Celine Dion a record contract and for that, God, I am eternally greatful.