Dating Do's and Dont's

Why do your friends call you 'Prawnford'?

I am not the world's best dater, this will become painfully apparent over the following paragraphs and posts. Let's take the last example, I will leave out the real names of the poor, poor ladies who were involved in these social atrocities to protect the innocent.

It had been a while since my last attempt at 'courting', so I really wanted to make a good impression on what was to be the first date with this girl. I consulted with my good friend and resident Lothario Mr.X (apologies for the lack of legitimate names, but please appreciate that to name the Lothario would potentially damage future Lothario-ing possibly to libel extents) and explained my predicament/opportunity with this live, breathing girl.

He informed me of a lovely destination in London Bridge called Vinnopolis where I could take my lady friend on a wine tasting evening. Brilliant, I could get her pissed under the guise of culture, which ultimately will make me seem much more brilliant than I actually am.

So the date was set, I turned up in my work suit , looking sharp but not in a try hard way as this was the appropriate garments for my current employment function. I purchased two tickets for the middle option offering, not the lowest cost option so I didn't look like a cheap scape and not the most alcohol laden option so it didn't look like I was trying to date rape her the old fashioned way.

I wasn't sure what to make of it at first when 'Bubbles' our tour guide gave us a crash course on wine tasting. She was one of these people that love life and as she was demonstrating how to slurp the wine I comforted myself in the knowledge that almost certainly this was just a facade for show and privately she self harms in her dimly lit bedroom whilst listening to the Cure.

However, all in all it went pretty well. It became very clear that I knew nothing about wine, mostly I drink Lambrini or Lambrusco and often I can be seen shamefully requesting the cheapest bottle of white wine and 1 glass in bars. Nevertheless this didn't seem to be too much of a stumbling block and I just asked for their recommendation when doing the tasting.

We were both getting merry and then we moved onto the whisky tasting. We both had a shot and she said 'down in one' so naturally I instantly downed the shot. I realised at this point that she still had her shot and she soon explained that she was joking - this was after all, meant to be about experiencing the flavor of these fine malts. Bollocks to that, who wants to bask in the taste sensation of whisky and absinthe, no one not even winos.

Any way this was still but a minor glitch and did not mar my overall 'dating performance'. Having completed the wine tasting she explained that she was hungry as we were passing a fish restaurant. Being the forced gentleman that I am I suggested dining in said restaurant. Now I don't really like seafood, but she was a vegetarian and it was 10 at night so it seemed like the sensible choice.

Another bottle of wine, brilliant maintain her level of intoxication and subsequently my level of interestingness and waitress I will have the prawns please.

Prawns, can't go far wrong, I have them sometimes in my Sainsbury's sandwiches not too offensive to my delicate taste buds. But no, these are the big bastard shrimp prawns with the sodding heads on them and everything. So here I am sitting opposite a vegetarian with my bloody foods eyes pretty much looking at her as I rip off their heads with my knife - excellent.

But ultimately this was not my biggest failing of the night, this was still to come. As explained I don't really eat sea food and therefore was a prawn novice. Trying to tackle them delicately I used my knife and fork to remove the head and tails and proceeded to consume.

It wasn't until about half way through that a thought came to me, I remembered my mum and sister eating prawns and I was pretty sure that they didn't eat the shell, which I had merrily been crunching through.

It was decision time, I had already eaten half of my prawns in their shelled entirety, did I now revert to de-shelling the remaining prawns? I made the executive decision that it would be even more embarrassing to do so and continued to eat what was left fully shelled.

Readers, it was not pleasant, it was not nutritionally sound and there was going to be repercussions. Instantly I did not feel well, but far worse for the next TWO weeks I had the worse gas situation of my life, with most making an exit via the back door. For any work colleagues reading this, I can only apologise for what was a trying time for us all.

Having regailed this tale to my friends they hilariously came up with the nickname 'Prawnford' (Cornford - Prawnford, see what they did there).

Having said all this, it was still one of my more successful dates as following posts will reveal.