Remember the Customer is ALWAYS right...

What would happen if Cornford could 'date' a job?

By now you may have ascertained that in the field of romance I have yet to enjoy great success, but surely the same cannot be true for the other areas of my life?

I will let you form your own opinion, let's start with my current employment situation. The company I work for operate globally, win a number of major deals and are publicly listed on NASDAQ.

All sounds good, but what exactly is my role at this company? In short we provide a service which allows anyone with a website to earn money from displaying our advertisers on their site.

It is designed to be completely automated and can therefore all be done online, but because customer service is paramount we do offer support and this all goes through me.

The online world is a unique place, but it does attract a lot of weirdos and these are the very people that I have to deal with on a daily basis. Here are my three favourite e-mail dialogues to date:

1. Customer -

How can I take advantage of your offer? I dont have a product nor do I have a web site!
regrds

How do you reply to something like this, I know how I would have liked to reply:

Dear Sir,

To summise, you have nothing to offer and nowhere to offer it from. What are you expecting me to do, magic you up a site? Why stop there, what else can I do for you? What about a loan? Maybe a kidney?

You are so far beyond help, but I will however offer the following advice -

1. There is an 'a' in Regards.
2. Do not bother applying for the next series of the Apprentice.
3. Velcro shoes are easier to operate than those tricky laced ones.

With contempt,

Alex

2. Customer -

Hello,

I am very excited about your services. The website is excellent.

I would like to sign up as a customer.

Could I set up a phone call with the appropriate person who could go over everything with me.

When is a good time to call?

Whom should I contact about becoming a customer?

Thank you!

My Reply -

Hi,

Thank you for your e-mail and interest. I work in the Business Development team and would be more than happy to discuss the advertising options that we provide. I am in the office for the majority of the day, so please feel free to call at any time.

If it is more convenient for me to call you, then please let me know what number is best to reach you on.

Many thanks,

Alex

To which he replied -

No one got back to me? What happened? WHen can we talk?

This guy actually returned my e-mail asking why noone had been in touch, god help me.

3. Customer -

hi.

Cloud you please check at my account?I havn't recived the payment of the march.

Me -

Dear Sir,

Some time ago I sent you an e-mail explaining that the traffic detected from your registered site http://www.siteaddress.com/ was almost entirely foreign (non UK/US) and in addition to this automated. Subsequently we cut your advertising feed and explained that because the traffic was invalid for our advertisers we would not be paying you the revenue generated.

In addition to this when you sent the last e-mail requesting payment I called the number you supplied and the colleague I spoke to at the company explained that he did not recognize your name and that he had no knowledge of them trialing our advertising.

In addition to this I checked http://www.siteaddress.com/ due to the high earnings in the limited amount of time and could not find any adverts on the site which was also a cause for concern.

If you can please call or e-mail me further information that may explain why this is I would appreciate it, but regardless because of the nature of the clicks on your site we will not be processing payment.

Kind regards,

Alex

Customer -

FUCK. you.

Beat that for job satisfaction...