The Human Conditioner

Hair today gone tomorrow

I am 25 and I am going bald. In fact I have been going bald from about the age of 21. I walked past a hair salon the other week and a woman was handing out promotional leaflets for discounted hair styling. She asked if I would like one, I thought she was taking the piss but luckily I deduced from her blank expression that she was not and was simply stupid and so refrained from punching her.

Going bald is not the end of the world for everyone, head butting football hairo Zinidine Zidane seems content with his millions of pounds and model girlfriend and there is no need for action 'star' Jason Statham to feel insecure about his diminishing barnet as Kelly Brook left him for another baldy in Billy Zane. Perhaps if he just stopped making those bloody awful Transporter films they would still be together, then again Zane's main claim to fame is Titanic so he can probably feel a bit hard done by. Despite these shining examples of men baldly going forth and prospering, life is not quite so easy for your average man on the street.

People can be so helpful. Someone kindly pointed out to me the other day that I was going grey. Why do people do this? I wouldn't alert someone to the fact that they were getting fat. I just fixed my eyes on them with a looked of complete disdain. As any follicley challenged man will tell you when you have accepted that you are going bald you couldn't give a flying flip that you are going grey! I'd kill to be a silver fox, but alas I will never know this distinguished joy.

It's a horrible moment when you first realise you are going bald. As a white british man of 21 it is law that you put a ridiculous amount of gel in your hair. One day when applying lacquer and product to my demi moulet I noticed that quite a large amount of scalp was clearly visible. Naturally my first reaction was to go into denial. Maybe it was just the lighting, maybe it was the 50p store own gel? But even if this was the reason for the 'illusion' of baldness what was I going to do, lurk in the shadows to avoid misleading lighting, purchase branded and expensive hair gel? Not bloody likely. So you have to try and accept it, which isn't easy at first.

I wouldn't mind so much but my body, much like my brain seems to be completely clueless. An executive decision, coming straight from the top, seems to have been made to remove the hair from my head, but I am at least being compensated with rapid hair growth on every other part of my body. And I do mean every part.

I am the only person I know that needs to get a quote upfront before the salon can start work on a back, sack and crack. I even have hair growing on the underside of my forearms, the underside for gods sake. Perhaps even more of a worry is that I find myself shaving higher and higher up my face with every week that passes. The all over facial hair look may have got teen wolf laid, but I don't think it's going to improve my chances any.

I get recurring nightmares that my kryptonite, velcro clothing, will come back into fashion.

The continued bodily hair growth would suggest that I am yet to have fully completed puberty, this is backed up by the fact that I still get acne. How the hell can you be going bald whilst still getting spots? At the risk of sounding like a 7 year old, it's just not fair! The only consolation is that if I am not wholly pubic then their is still potential for growth. It would be good to get an extra inch...'taller'.

Then their is the teasing that you have to contend with, the verbal happy slap(head)ing. 'Hey baldy put some chalk on your cue', 'go outside mate, you look like you could do with some fresh hair' and so on and so forth. A girl at my work made a quip about my lack of locks, I swiftly retorted by explaining that it was a well known fact that bald men are more virile. My sense of smugness on the back of having just cunningly combined a comeback with some light flirtation was soon cut short when she explained that the only reason bald men were more virile is because they never got any.

Ultimately baldness is a disability, without the parking privileges. Would you make fun of someone who is blind, or poke fun at the mentally handicapped? Of course you wouldn't, well not to their face anyway. So the next time you see a bald man, just take a moment to think about how brave they are. They could so easily have hidden behind a toupee or a strategic comb over. For my fellow bald men, stay strong and remember, yes you will never be able to style your hair again, but as the 80's demonstrated, in the long run this may ultimately be for the best.

Now if you don't mind I'm going to investigate the legitimacy of a new 'fill in' hair spray I have just seen on the home shopping channel.

This time next year, I will be doing my day job

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It's been a while

Thank you. Friends, family, randoms off the street, despite the fact that the blog hasn't been updated for several months now, i'm still getting about two people visit it every day. Where as these figures won't really worry Bill Gates, they are more than sufficient to massage my fragile ego.

Apologies for the delay and rest assured there is plenty for us to catch up on...

She Winked at me!

So how did you two meet?

Technology is making it easier and easier to meet people, helping to bridge the burgeoning gap created by societies rapidly diminishing social skills.

It's all about supply and demand, identify a problem and come up with a solution, if it works you will make a lot of money, it really is that simple.

Problem: When out socialising with companions, I spot a pretty lady. I want to approach her and express my feelings but I lack the confidence to do so.

Solution: Alcohol

Problem: I meet a pretty lady in a night club establishment, we share conversation and a kiss and kindly she gives me her number. I wish to pursue the matter the following day, but in the cold light of sobriety concerns set in that perhaps she won't feel the same way and a phone call will only end in awkward rejection. What I want is a way to find out how she feels, without leaving myself so exposed.

Solution: Text Messages

But still it's not enough is it. Alcohol can give you unfounded confidence and text messages can distance you from the pain of potential rejection, but still you wish, you hope for an easier way to make that initial approach and cushion the emotional body blow of unrequited affection.

Solution: Online dating

Having previously viewed people that 'resort' to the Internet to find companionship as sad bastards, I finally realised that I am indeed a sad bastard and instantaneously logged in. I have not looked back.


Firstly I can confirm that a lot of what you have heard is true, most of the people on these sites are wack jobs. There are a lot of very young single mothers...a lot. Most of the messages come from women living hundreds of miles away wanting to chat and then you get people like 'randyrose' messaging you.



Aged 57 she lives 86 miles away in Leicestershire, is retired and enjoys sunbathing topless, a nice bathroom and hot young guys with a nice bottom.

Needless to say I have yet to correspond with 'randyrose', or indeed a number of other ladies who have messaged me on the site, some of which became quite hostile because of this.

If your a girl on one of these sites, it's much, much worse. An attractive lady will easily get 40 messages a day, many of which, and I'm being completely honest here, contain proposals of marriage.


If your a guy, this is actually a good thing as although a girl will get 40 messages a day, very few will be from someone in their desired age range and proximity and I guess most importantly from someone that seems normal.

This can make you quite a desirable commodity in the online world, but be careful as everything is not always as it seems...

The Perils of Online Dating

Sorry I don't do oral on a first date...

In the interests of Science, I thought that I may get some blog worthy material out of trialling a bit of the old online dating malarkey. I mean what have I got to lose, best case scenario I get a date with a lovely young lady, worse case scenario I get an amusing anecdote.

So where to start? As this was my first foray into the wonderful world of online dating, I erred on the side of financial caution and chose a site called Gumtree.com where it is completely free to upload your profile.

For those of you unfamiliar with Gumtree, is was initially set up to provide Antipodeans with free information on rooms to let in London. It soon became hugely popular and extended it's services into other areas such as jobs, stuff for sale and dating.

It really is the cowards dating dream. It costs nothing, you don't have to use your own name, they can hide your e-mail address and most importantly you don't have to go through the probable rejection of approaching a female and getting turned down.

So I uploaded a profile, just giving the basic details such as age, occupation, interests, as well as a bit about the sort of girl I was looking for i.e. preferably still breathing, with a general level of symmetry in bodily features. There was no photo of me attached, as explained I am a coward.

So that was it, very simple, just took a couple of minutes and then it was time to play the waiting game. I had uploaded this in the morning and checked my e-mail box later than day, there were no new mail. So I checked Gumtree, sure enough my profile was up on the site, but such is the popularity I had been pushed down to page five and was now underneath the listings of hundreds of other online predators.

So I refreshed my profile to put me back in the first position. My lack of a social life that weekend was going to give me a real positional edge over these other losers. While they squander their day socialising and living their life, I could refresh like crazy.

And it worked, kind of, as this morning upon opening my inbox there was a fresh e-mail awaiting my perusal. I have literally (bar the name) copied and pasted this below, I promise it is genuine:

HI mate

1stly I hope you wont be offended by this email.I am a 27yo, fit bi lad looking to give bj to str8 guys. I am str8 looking and have a hot mouth and can suck till completion. Just sit back and need not do anything in return.

Genuine offer and if u havent had a guy suck u before , its very horny! Try it guys give better bj than gals! I am in NW central London.Hope to hear from u.

Matt

I mean look at the misuse of grammar, completely unacceptable. In addition to this, he seems to have skimmed over the fact that I was looking for a female, still beggars can't be choosers...no apologies 'Matt' but you are not quite what I am looking for and both our quests for online love/bj's must go on.

Next stop, online dating via a Social Network, ladies of Facebook prepare yourself...

Ignorance is Bliss

Out of Sight Out of Mind...Until you View the Photos on Facebook.

One Friday night a couple of weekends ago, I was enjoying myself at a friends wedding, merrily working my way through the £1,000 tab that had been put behind the bar, when I received a text from my housemate.

It read, 'where are you, we're having a massive house party?'. My housemate was on a night out with his mates and in addition his brother was staying with us, as he and a load of his friends were in England as part of a round the world trip, the capacity for carnage was rife.

I was momentarily disappointed that two fine social events had collided in my normally sparse calendar, but didn't give it too much thought as I was having a splendid time at the wedding.

Having stayed overnight in a hotel, I returned to my house mid afternoon on the Saturday. The house seemed to be in fine fettle and certainly there was no evidence of the anticipated carnage. All the attendees had already left and my housemates were pretty cagey when I asked how the night was.

The only feedback I got was, 'it was all right, just had a few beers'. I put this lack of enthusiasm down to them being hung over and being pretty jaded myself from my own festivities I didn't spend too much time pursuing my line of questioning.

A few days later, surfing through the pages of the social network site Facebook, I came across these photos on my housemates brother's profile page:

So...a load of men came round my house and for some reason walked around my living room topless.

So many questions, so scared of the answers...in the end I decided it was best to just live in blissful ignorance. Permanently terrified, blissful ignorance.

I have 164 friends...

Keep your friends close and your enemies on 'Limited Profile'.

Yes I am of course referring to the Social Network 'phenomenon' that is Facebook. For me it started off innocently enough, my friend posted a load of photos on the site of a recent group holiday to Krakow. I wanted to see them and get a copy so I signed up and sure enough it was an excellent way for him to distribute these photos easily to the 11 people that had been on the holiday.

Impressed by the ease of use, other friends soon signed up and we all became 'friends' within the Facebook community. I then noticed someone at work using Facebook and thought it would be just super if they became a 'friend' too. Then I got to thinking, gee I wonder who else I know is using the site?

I have had quite a nomadic life, I was born in Kuwait, lived the first three years in Canterbury, then bar a brief spell in Kensington during the Gulf War, lived Bahrain until the age of 15. On returning to England I located to Surrey, went to University in Nottingham and now live in London. In addition to this I have worked for three companies, all with hundreds of employees.

Not surprisingly I have met and lost contact with a huge number of friends, colleagues and class mates. So I typed in the name of my best friend aged 10 and sure enough he was on the site, so I sent a friend request and we became friends. I looked at the friends he had and there was more people I used to know, so I sent them friend requests too. I soon became addicted and searched for as many names from my past that my memory could remember and sent friend requests to them all. As it stands I have 164 friends...what a load of bollocks.

I hate myself and I am sure I am not alone. Have you found yourself asking someone 'how many friends they have' and then smiled smugly when the total is less than yours? Have you had your ego dented when they reveal they have more friends than you?

Because that is what it all boils down to, ego. What started out as a simple desire to view some holiday photos, has manifested into a quest for cyber social domination and we haven't even begun to mention the stalking!

Yes you start off searching for your current friends and a couple of people who's number you have lost, but how long was it before you typed in the name of an ex girlfriend? Ah there she is, the bitch, looking real smug in her photo. Lets look at a few more of her photos, great she got fat I win, or no she finally shifted those last few pounds God I wish I was still with her. Wait a minute who is this guy she's with in all these photos?

Quickly check the relationship status, she's in a relationship with Steve. God he's a handsome man, like something out of Greek mythology, the bastard. Still what do I care, I'm with someone now and I'm happy...sort of.

Because it does make you think, doesn't it and worse of all it gives you to opportunity to reaffirm those fears. There's a few instances when, praise the lord, she's now a minger and it looks like the relationship ending was the best thing that could have happened to you. But the instances when she looks radiant and stunning and oh so happy with her current squeeze, stir the seeds of jealously inside you and make you think what if?

Still it's may not be that bad, she only looks that good because she has had one of those 'artistic' photos taken. Who are these cretins that get the professional photo's taken for their profile? What are they trying to achieve, yeah the photo may get you a date, but the guys still going to run for the hills when he sees you in the flesh. Maybe they think that once they get the chance to know them looks won't matter, after all personality is what really counts. Idiots.

Because of course you can use the site to get a date if you want. You can do an advanced search for single girls in your area to match whatever criteria you feel is important. You can search for 17 year old girls in London who' favourite film is 'Titanic' if that's what floats your boat (pun intended). 'Looking for' is one of my favourite settings, with 'Friendship' an option commonly chosen. I know your looking for friendship love, you have 325 friends!

And on that note, who amongst us can honestly say they haven't accepted a stranger or possibly worse someone who has actually wronged you at some stage as a friend, just to bump up the numbers. Are you someone that searches for people with the same name as you and invite them to be a friend, wow your crazy kooky, on the one hand I detest you but at the same time I can confirm that there is currently no one else on the site called Alex Cornford. I know because I have checked.

I remember when I first got a mobile phone, I would check the bugger every two minutes to see if someone had texted. If it had been days since the last text, I would actually be depressed. I eventually grew out of this phase, that was until Facebook came along. Now I have to log on whenever possible to see if I have any messages, or more importantly Friend Requests. Oh the dizzy excitement of a friend request, the momentary anticipation of who it may be from. Is it a former girlfriend, maybe a mysterious and gorgeous stranger, nope neither it's Bill from the finance department we spoke once when I needed sign off on a form, still I will accept him none the less, now there's 165 'friends'.

And that's another worrying thing, it's not just your mates that are using the site, everyone is. Your potential employers are using it, just imagine you have sailed through the first two interviews just to have it all scuppered by your boss to be perusing your profile and taking offence to a photo of you with your arse out. As for your current employers, if they are looking at your profile it alerts them if your online, so be careful between 9-5 you workshy bastard.

I guess that's what the privacy settings are for. I have got the proverbial Fort Knox settings for my profile after one particular friend request came through. I work in the online industry and deal with hundreds of people, helping them with their requests. A number of them have gone to the length to look up my name on the site and sent off a request to be my friend, literally after exchanging one business related e-mail dialogue. This scared the hell out of me, I didn't want every weirdo out there having full access to my personal information and most importantly current address. It was at this point I realised just how many people are viewing all my details and potentially how damaging the photos of me having vomited on my jeans could be.

So where do we go from here. No doubt I will continue to use Facebook and continue to check my updates page periodically at morning, noon and night. Hopefully I and the rest of society will soon get bored, I am already hacked off with all the 'fun' new updates such as the 'moods' monitor which very usefully relays details on how your mood has changed over time. If I used the dam thing, it would show that I got pretty pissed off just about the time that they released all this crap. Maybe then I can concentrate more on physical communication with the people who are actually in my life, rather than sending desperate pleas for a signal of acceptance to some bloke I knocked about with at the age of 10 who now lives in Kuala Lumpa.