Earning your crust...

Idea (deep) panned...

I hate a lot of things, it helps to pass the time.  One of the things on my list is people's insistence that when it comes to food you can make it yourself just as easily as buying something ready made.

Hummus is a classic example.  I can be sitting there happily working my way through a pot of hummus (perhaps red pepper hummus if I'm feeling particularly saucy) and without fail someone will tell me that they can make hummus.  Well woop de flipping do Ramsey, give yourself a pat on the back.  I would have brought out the good silverware and if I knew I was snacking in the company of such a culinary genius.

Any dick head can make hummus, it's really just two ingredients and when you think about it that way it's the equivalent of someone boasting they can fix themselves a bowl of coco pops.

Because of that, there are some people who will look down on you for buying hummus ready made.  They preach to you about just how easy it is to make, 'after all it's just chick peas and water'.  Sure that does sound easy, but I tell you what sounds even easier, going to aisle two at Tesco's and buying a VAT of the Arabian treat ready for consumption

My time is precious (it's time consuming to hate so many things), so I like to take as many short cuts as I can and cheat my way through life.  I like convenience and clearly I'm not the only one.

Domino's pizza are reporting record sales and rightly so, for truly the people who work there are gods among men.  Sure it's true that with Domino's there is no gain without pain and I have been at the sharp end of many a black out poo after consuming a jalapeno laden beauty the size of a human head, but I would do it all again.

The reality that a man on a bike can bring you piping hot, cheese aggressive food in a box right to your front door shows just how progressive our society is.  Not even Bin Laden could find fault with this aspect of Western Society (rumor has it, he was a closet Pepperoni Passion fan).

It's their innovation that is so dam impressive and I'm not talking about their website, or mobile app (although I do commend them on making it so easy to order food that you can almost do it accidentally...3 consecutive Sundays), no when I say innovation I'm talking about the pizza itself.

Recently Domino's have introduced the concept of a hot dog built into the crust....wow.  Just take a moment to think about that.  Order a large pizza and with a 14 inch diameter you are talking about taking on a 2 foot hot dog in addition to the pizza (good for you).

It's such a fantastically ridiculous concept, you wonder who dreamed it up and then that starts to get you thinking that actually, it must be someones job to come up with these ideas!

This lucky duck probably has some great title like 'Head of Pizza Innovation'.  Imagine it, playing such a key role in so many peoples happiness on a weekly basis, you would be like a more useful Jesus.

It's Q1 2013.  In an office somewhere a high powered management team have sat round the table in Domino's towers discussing how in the name of sanity they were going to beat the previous years record sales and make more dough (BOOM!).  They needed ideas fresher than their vegetable toppings and they look to one guy for this.

Up steps the Head of Pizza Innovation, he dims the lights in the boardroom and turns on his projector.  Everyone in the room waits with baited, slightly garlicky breath in anticipation of what they are about to witness.

'Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to the Domino's Hot Dog Stuffed Crust (TM)'.

There is a long pause, a deathly silence fills the room as all sit open mouthed and wide eyed at what they have just seen.  The CEO (Chief Eating Officer) starts a slow clap, which quickly builds momentum, perpetuating into a crescendo of stand up applause.

'He's done it again', 'What a guy', 'Please enter my loins and provide me with child' are just some of the cries.

The presentation is flawless, there are blue print designs of the pizza, giving granular details on the dimensions.  There is thorough market research, as we learn that the same 80% of people think that the pizza crust is rubbish, have at some point eaten a sausage.

There is cost analysis down to the last detail, proving that people will be willing to pay £2 extra for a hugely grotesque circular hot dog, set against the cost of £0.20 to buy enough pig genitals for production.  Heck, this thorough bastard has even patented it!

Sure it's not full proof, there is limited appeal to the vegetarian market, which is a shame as they should be guaranteed money given that they are typically too weak to leave the house in search of food, but you can't win them all.

But then again, most likely these are the same cretins who would probably chastise you for not building a pizza from scratch and actually maybe this is the true genius of the 'Domino's Hot Dog Stuffed Crust (TM)'. So majestically insane is the concept, that you simply couldn't build it from scratch which means that it is possible to eat a box of cheese in wondrous, blissful, peace.

Head of Pizza Innovation, I salute you for knocking the stuffing out of my adversaries and placing it into my pizza crust.