Twit for Twats

Alex Cornford is currently doing...nothing of interest.

So Twitter...really do we have to do this now too? A social phenomenon, a revolution of the blog format, or a condensed version of Heat magazine for those that found Heat a bit of a heavy read. I'll admit I'm weak I signed up, curiosity got the better of me and I needed to find out what all the fuss is about. Imagine my delight to find out it is basically just an elaborate version of Facebook's status update. I now have 15 people following me, despite the fact that I have never actually written a post. More frighteningly I don't even know who most of them are. My guess is that a lot of people like the strong and silent type, or that society is full of numerous clinically bored individuals who literally have nothing better to do than to follow blank pages (was this really part of the grand design God?).

Living your life vicariously through George Clooney is one thing, but when you are moist in anticipation awaiting my latest update it's time to jump. I can't condone, but can understand why gossip hungry over oestrogened lady folk may want to follow Jude Law, after all he is quite dreamy and it is of course imperative to conclude that he is also a great and deep guy before buying the topless poster for the bedroom wall. Hey you may even be able to find out what makes him tick so that when you do meet you can be his ideal girl (and you will meet as he 'tweets' abouts his favourite coffee shop regularly, so by pitching a tent and keeping vigil outside said coffee shop you're bound to bump into him eventually...before the men in white coats carry you away). After all he doesn't care about looks, you just need to have a great personality and a kind hearted disposition (or do a stint as his nanny). And yes I'm sure the life of a celebrity is pretty good (unless you're currently Tiger Woods, don't see him tweeting too much of late - naughty boy) so maybe they do lead such an exciting life that they have interesting daily updates worthy of regaling to Jo and Josephine public, but why would anyone want to follow my daily life? I could tell you what I watched on TV last night and give my opinions, but then so can the TV Guide. I could let you know that I have eaten chicken nuggets and chips for the third day running as there was an offer on a Tesco basics 60 piece bag, would that entertain you? Would you like to hear about my train being delayed due to signal failure, or that I ran out of toilet roll so had to get creative and use a Flash wipe and now have a rash that I don't feel like going to the doctor with? No of course you don't, it's all mundane tedious tosh.

What perhaps makes the whole thing even more incomprehendable is that within the confined bubble of this site Ashton Kutcher is king. Yes this is the same Ashton Kutcher that was the star turn in such cinematic masterpieces as Just Married and of course the unforgettable Dude Wheres my Car. The very same Ashton Kutcher who rose to fame in stellar comedy That 70's Show and the man that brought you the ground breaking Punk'd. Apparently there are more people 'following' Ashton Kutcher than CNN. Of all the people to stalk, why him?

Because that is essentially what Twitter boils down to, it like Facebook is the acceptable face of stalking. As I have always said why follow someone online, when you can follow them to their home... I guess in a society where you can actually ask a qualified doctor to staple your stomach, even the stalkers are becoming more and more lazy. In the dizzy hey day of stalking, real effort would have been put in, rubbish riled through, binoculars purchased (I'm a keen bird watcher, honest, yeah whatever Bill Oddie we know the sordid truth) but no more. Shares in infra red goggles have declined while mouse wrist supports have gone through the roof. The phenomenon of Twitter hasn't gone unnoticed by the big fromages at Google and Microsoft and such is the impact it has made that 'tweets' are now listed in their respective search engines so that people can search for the very latest social commentary in the same way you would search for the nearest cinema, or adult jazz.

For those of you less nerdy than me, what this actually means is that if you are the very first person to comment on a unique subject that people are searching for they will invariably read your 'tweet'. No longer is the word of Google confined to coding monkeys, you my friend can potentially have your voice heard by the world. It's almost like Google (one of the most largest, most powerful, most most companies in the world) is endorsing you! If you were the guy who first found out that the worlds most famous golfer had almost certainly at one point put 'the tiger in you' (not such a clever strap line now is it Frosties) and 'tweeted' about it then once the story broke, you would be one of the most influential people out there.

Now chances are that you are not going to break a big story, but think of the personal misery you can inflict upon your not so loved ones. If you think that Susan in accounts is a slag, then by gum 'tweet' my good man and tell the world! Before long both Google and you will think Susan is a slag and that's got to count for something.

So knock yourself out, slander your ex, tell your computer illiterate mother in law exactly what you think...just don't follow me you massive weirdo.

p.s. in a recent poll Peter Andre was voted the tenth most influential person on twitter, I hope you are proud of yourselves.